Tick Tock (a rant)

“I can just see you counting the days until you have one of your own.”

I’ve just carried a giggle-shrieking goblin child back to its mother. I groan inwardly, but the man who spoke is clearly waiting for an answer. I smile as politely as I can. “No, I’m not having kids.”

“Oh, wait til you get married. You’ll have one within a year.”

“I’m divorced, actually. Anyway I’ve never wanted them.”

“Oh… well, you’re young. When you’re older–”

“I’m thirty.” The man speaking to me can’t be over thirty-five.

He shakes his head. “You say that now. But tick tock! That biological clock will get ya.”

Tick tock. Apparently one day I will wake up in the morning and slap my forehead in sudden realization of the obvious: of course I must want children! What other possible purpose in life could a woman have?

I don’t want children. I have never, ever, ever wanted children. I have never–not even when holding the sweetest, not-screamingest baby or playing make-believe with the most imaginative young person–thought “someday I might want this.” When I watch friends’ kids, I’m grateful as hell when they come home and I can get back to my regularly scheduled ice cream and nudity and cussing as much as I want. I do not want kids.

People want to argue. I’ll regret not having children when I’m old, they say. No one ever wants to talk about what it would mean to have a child and regret it. To raise a whole person that I do not want and be responsible for the survival and love and support and some degree of not fucking them up while also not fucking myself up even worse…yeah. There is no way this could end badly.

Except that’s the wrong thing to say. I can’t start explaining the myriad reasons that it would be a bad idea for me to have a child–the sometimes-debilitating mental illness that runs in my family, the poor vision and bad teeth they’d certainly inherit, my general lack of patience and uncompromising nature. I could go on. But any of that, all of it, I could find a way to overcome if I wanted kids. The real issue is that I do not want them.

I don’t hate children. They’re cute and the young ones’ unfiltered honestly delights me. I don’t think it ruins lunch if a friend brings her son along. If I’m honest, I kind of like them.

In small doses.

As long as they aren’t coming home with me.

I get that kids bring something magical and shiny to some people’s lives. That they can’t imagine enjoying life without that experience any more than I can imagine enjoying life with it. But the fact that I smile at kids and have fun taking them to play sometimes doesn’t mean I want one of my own. I like going to the zoo and no one thinks that’s incontrovertible proof that I want a giraffe. Same with small DIY humans.

People aren’t so adamant about telling me I’m wrong about what I want with most things. “I don’t like mushrooms” is rarely met with more than momentary incredulity. “I want to see x happen at work” is met with questions and brainstorming and support. “I want a tattoo” is accepted by most people who are not my mother (she knows it’s true but she Does Not Like It). But anything that has to do with sex–and children do have to do with sex–if I don’t conform to most people’s expectations of how a woman should relate to sex, I clearly don’t know my own mind. I need to be corrected, for my own good. Of course I couldn’t be bi, and I don’t like sex as much as or more than most men, and I definitely, DEFINITELY will want to have kids.

At this point I’m going to have to have “yes, I’m sure I don’t want kids” inscribed on my tombstone before it’s taken seriously. I know what I want. I don’t want kids.

And if I were wrong? If I am woefully incapable of making the “right” decision on the spawning front without correction from others? Why on earth would anyone who doesn’t trust that I know what I want trust me to be responsible for a whole helpless human being?


6 thoughts on “Tick Tock (a rant)”

  1. People do this to my daughter all the time. There is one woman in every generation of my family who doesn’t want kids, and doesn’t change their mind on that, so never has one. She hates when people argue with her on the decision.

    I understand your rant completely

  2. I really think a lot of “parenting evangelists” are actually pretty bummed out by the restrictions parenthood places on them and the crushing responsibility of raising kids, and they want everyone else to suffer, too. Misery loves company, after all.

    When I worked in an office I had people tell me I should have kids, I’d love it, blah blah blah and then NOT TEN MINUTES LATER they’d be bitching about having to cancel plans because they couldn’t find a babysitter or lamenting about how their kids were out of control and totally immune to discipline.

    Incidences of people asking me about having kids/telling me that I’ll totally change my mind have fallen sharply in recent years, probably because I am old. But some people still mistake me for younger and start prattling on to me about how I should totally have kids and I say “no, it’s not my thing.” and they go “maybe not now but ONE DAY…” and I go “I’M FORTY-TWO” and they look totally embarrassed and shut the fuck up IMMEDIATELY.

    I’m not sure if the thought process behind the embarrassment is “I feel stupid for second-guessing someone clearly old enough to know her own mind” or “oh shit, she probably secretly yearns for children and now I’ve reminded her that her eggs are all dried up” but the point is that it kills the “kids” conversation DEAD and I love that.

  3. …and to be clear, the people who told me to have kids but then bitched about their own weren’t just having an off day as far as I could tell. I never actually heard them say anything nice about their kids, ever, at all.

    I bitch about my cats when they do stupid shit, but I talk all the time about adorable things they do, falling asleep snuggled up to them, waking up to one of them booping my nose with theirs, etc. If I were pompous enough to insist that someone not into pets should get a cat, they would at least have reason to believe that cat ownership has good bits from listening to my stories.

    1. Even the best parenting experience would just be so harrowing! There’s a whole miniature person (or-God forbid-more than one) that needs all of the things all the time and mothers (but not fathers, let’s not be ridiculous now) are expected to tear themselves apart to meet those needs perfectly even when it means neglecting their own. Also strangers seem to think they know how to parent other people’s children, looks so fun to navigate that bullshit.

      Ugh. No kids.

  4. Oh god, this, a thousand times.

    I love kids! Other people’s kids. In small doses. I have nephews and cousins’-children and friends’-children, and they’re adorable and fascinating. Small humans! Such an intriguing, miraculous thing.

    But at the end of the day, I want to go home and just take care of myself and the other adults in my life. I don’t even want pets, you guys. I definitely don’t want kids.

    I think the getting-lesbian-married thing helped a bit with social pressure. I’m not sure…

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