Tag Archives: insecurity

Room for Improvement 

I’m pretty sure I’m not good at sucking cock.

It’s a shame. I love doing it. I’m greedy for it, even. With my latest partner (this boy who is definitely not a virgin anymore and probably needs a nickname here since I keep fucking him), I try to get him off with my mouth every time we get together. He says it feels incredible. He says it’s a mental block, not anything I’m doing. Whatever the reason, I can’t make him come.

He’s not the first. The person I was married to was more blunt (“your mouth doesn’t feel good. Stop trying.”) Another partner more jovially says that there are other ways he’d rather come anyway. One blamed the size of his cock (I have small mouth. Had-to-have-permanent-teeth-removed-because-they-didn’t-fit-in-my-jaw small.) Another said he’d just never been able to get into getting head. And most of the rest have come, and seemed to enjoy it. (I’m not secretly a lamprey or anything; it’s not that bad…I hope.)

And maybe blowjobs aren’t everyone’s thing and that’s fine. I’m not going to push or pout if someone doesn’t want it. It’s when they say they do want it… it’s when I definitely want it… and we can’t quite get what we want out of it. It’s both of us feeling guilty about substandard performance and cementing another layer on top of our walls of performance anxiety. Because no way that makes anything more difficult.

I’m not going to fall apart, start rending my garments or gnashing my teeth (well, maybe garment-rending, if someone asks nicely). My ego can handle my being less than awesome at sucking cock…mostly. But it’s been enough now that I don’t quite trust “it’s not you, it’s me,” and I’m not sure what to do about that.

Just practice, I guess.