I am setting my feelings outside myself. They are too much to hold inside right now and I don’t have the time, I just don’t have the time.
To be busy–to choose to be busy–is to choose not to be present in oneself. I know this. I understand that it is avoidance and good for no one. But so am I–good for no one, least of all myself. The emotions aren’t good. I don’t want them and I don’t know what to do with them.
Lonelyandsad is quiet, at least. If I stop moving, choose not to be busy, it will lumber over and lie on top of me with a sigh. It might be comfortable if it weren’t so heavy. If I am busy it stares from corners, never quite out of sight. It is patient. Distracting.
Toloveyou is insistent. It paws at me. Check your phone, check your phone, check your phone. I try to be gentle when I push it away. It comes barreling back, nips and pulls. It is naive, unused to change. It is not the only toloveyou I’ve had. It will learn soon enough that sweetness and earnestness and hope don’t change anything, spend more time sleeping out of sight.
Fearandtrembling is never far. It peers and pecks at everything, pulls it apart layer by layer looking for tricks and traps and danger. Whatever is delicate and innocent will end up shredded on the floor with the rest, but I don’t dare take it away.
Unwanted creatures, all. They can’t be part of me, they’re too alien and thoughtless for that, but they’re still mine to care for and control. I don’t know how.