Spouse got a Twitter account.
I don’t know what it is and I won’t be looking for it or following, but it made my corner of the Internet feel a little smaller anyway. As though there’s suddenly a risk that he’ll stumble across my Twitter and click over here, if only just to peek. If you’re thinking Twitter is a huge community and odds are low, I should add that Spouse has already mentioned following an account I followed.
It’s hard to articulate why this bothers me. It’s personal, what I write here, but not precisely secretive. He knows I blog and tweet about sex. It’s not as though I have secret partners or use this space to cast Spouse in a negative light. In fact, I rarely write about Spouse at all (this is because he’s a fairly private person. He dislikes being tagged when I check in places on Facebook; I don’t think he’d like it if our intimacy were just out there on the Internet for anyone to read).
Partly it is the intimacy. None of my partners reads this. None of them gets that glimpse into what goes through my head when we fuck, or the raw detail of what I do with the others. None of them reads this, so I can write without worrying what they’ll think, without feeling I need to censor myself or owe them an explanation. I can process and articulate ideas based on conversations we’ve had, or use the act of writing to begin articulating for conversations I’d like to have. I don’t have to worry anyone will think I’m using the blog to be passive aggressive with them.
I’m fairly certain Spouse respects this. He also writes about sex on the Internet and would prefer that I not seek out his space for slightly different reasons than mine. I’m not tempted to look for it, but that’s at least partly because the niche he’s writing in holds no interest for me at all. If it were more of a journal, if it were personal thoughts on kink and gender, and his perspectives on sexual experiences, would I be tempted? I don’t know.
It’s a Pandora’s Box situation. Spouse and my other partners know I write about sex on the Internet, but not where. If I told them, or they stumbled across it, would they be able to resist looking inside? Would it even be reasonable to ask them to?