Rejection, or why I took six hours to say “no, thank you.”

9:12 AM: “Would you like to play sometime?”

Not really, no.

9:26 AM: “Sorry, but–”

Why did I type that? I’m not sorry.

9:31 AM: “I’m not looking for that right now.”

What the hell? Yes I am. I’m in full predator mode. I want to tear someone apart with my teeth. I want them sobbing with desperation. I want to fuck until I’m too exhausted and overwhelmed to move. I am 100% looking for that. I’m not looking for it with him.

9:34 AM: “I don’t think it’s a good idea, because–”

Why the fuck am I implying I want this? If I give a reason it can be rebutted. It looks like it could mean “I’m interested, but–” when in fact I am not interested. It looks like maybe I’m hoping to be convinced. I really, really don’t want to deal with that.

I’m just not going to look at my phone for a while.

12:47 PM: ”                                  ”

Well, shit, now I just look like an asshole.

Okay, I don’t just look like an asshole, I am an asshole.

1:13 PM “I’m sorry–”

I’m still not fucking sorry.

1:17 PM: “Augh why did you have to ask me that I’m supposed to be fucking working”

Yeah, that’s not fair.

I’m pretty sure I lost the chance to even make a diplomacy check after twenty minutes of silence. May as well get it over with.

1:19 PM: “No, thank you.”

Cold.

I mean, it’s not cold, not really, not any more than any other “no.” It’s honest. Makes no excuses. But I feel the ire of every man who’s ever said “fine, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it,” and I hesitate. How do I say no without making it awkward? Without a late night phone call months from now angrily demanding that I Just Give Him A Chance (which is what the last man I went on exactly one date with did).

Maybe if I don’t answer he’ll miraculously un-ask.

Maybe I should stop being a fucking coward and just say no.

Maybe managing his reaction isn’t my job, and anyway maybe I’m being unfair, assuming he’ll react badly. Maybe I should just get it the hell over with.

Maybe if he knew how goddamn much I cuss he’d want to rescind the invitation on his own.

2:36 PM: “No, thank you.”

Hesitate.

This is ridiculous. I’ve rejected plenty of people. Hit send already. Do it.

He’s going to ask why, you know that, right?

Fuck me, brain, why you gotta say that? None of his business is why.

Okay but he’s going to ask.

I’m just not feeling it.

Weak.

So?

So how are you going to deal with it?

Apparently by not responding to his text for all day, that’s how.

Dick move.

I know! *deep breath* Okay.

2:40 PM: “Sorry for leaving you hanging. I was looking for a less disappointing way to phrase “no, thank you” but I suppose they all come out about the same.”

Send.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *