Nah, Bro.

We’re talking about burlesque. He says he’s never been.I fill him in on some of the acts around town, show him a particularly creative costume.

“Wanna ask her for a threesome?” I’m jarred. Neither of us has expressed any kind of attraction to the other. It seems out of nowhere.

“She and I are just two. Sad story. And sweetie, when I sleep with straight boys they don’t get to jump straight to the boss levels. They gotta earn it.”

“Oh god I’m kind of afraid”

“Right answer.”

“Didn’t say I wasn’t interested”

“Damning with faint praise.”

“Just saying. I do think you’re really attractive 🙂 and I think you’d be fun!”

“Thank you, and yes, quite.” (Modesty? What’s that?)

“I’d try anything at least once.”

“See, that shows lack of imagination.”

“Want to share some imagination with me?”

We have a mutual friend who knows–well, I don’t know how much about my proclivities, but enough. (He can read this. I don’t ask whether he does.) Maybe this kid knows what he’s asking to get into, but I doubt it. So I tell him I’m into kinky stuff, that I don’t mean fuzzy handcuffs and 50 Shades of Grey. I’m not impressed with anything about his approach, but I’d be willing to at least have a frank discussion of compatibilities with a large subset of my social group.

“I kind of want to try it..” So much for frank discussion. Bear in mind that my phrase of choice was “I’m into kinky stuff.” I have no damn idea what he kind of wants to try, and I suspect he doesn’t either.

“Why?”

“Just sounds like something different. I want to see what it’s like.
I’m really interested.”

“…in you’re not sure what. For you’re not sure why. I hope you understand my skepticism.”

This approach annoys me for a few reasons. “I’ll try anything once” means “it doesn’t occur to me that you might want to try something I’m not into.”It focuses on his willingness to peruse a free sample tray of anything I can think of, and doesn’t acknowledge that creating those samples involves my time and energy and emotional labor, plus some degree of vulnerability. A person absolutely has the right to reject scenes and revoke consent, I’m not saying that planning kinky play obligates someone to go through anything with me. I am saying I’m not going to get my hopes up or waste my time and effort when I don’t see any likelihood of appreciation for any of it. I’m not in the mood to be told I’m a disgusting freak for playing with electricity, bruises, tears. I’m well past willing to deal with young men recoiling from the idea of strap-on play because they think it’s gay. He says he’ll try anything once…but that’s obvious and utter bullshit.

His vague, ill-conceived interest is 100% about using me to fulfill a curiosity. Not once does he say anything that acknowledges my enjoyment might be a factor. Sex and kink are about shared experience. Feeding off of each other, mutual enjoyment. I want to get my partners off. I expect them to want to get me off. I look for collaboration and intensity with partners. He seems to be hoping I’ll provide a service.

Last week I had pretty much completely vanilla sex…and it was good. I’d rather fuck someone with no hint of sadism or masochism or power exchange who’s clearly invested in getting me off and savoring the experience than play tour guide to the land of kink for some bro who really just hopes I’ll stop talking and get naked already.

So nah, bro. I’m good.

8 thoughts on “Nah, Bro.”

  1. “I’ll try anything once” means “it doesn’t occur to me that you might want to try something I’m not into.”

    This. In particular I’ve taken to interpreting someone saying “I have no boundaries” the same way, that is as “I’m assuming you won’t want to do anything I don’t want to do.” It makes me cautious, sometimes to the point of not wanting to do anything with them. At least if people can state a boundary it shows they’ve given it some thought; if it’s vague maybe they haven’t given it enough thought yet.

    Curiousity about something is a good reason to Find Out More. With research, rather than just randomly saying you want to “do something, anything” and seeing what happens. If half of the fantasies in Nancy Friday’s books are a complete squick, you’re probably not suited to “something, anything” — and if they’re a complete turn on, you’re now better informed of An Actual Thing You’d Like To Try.

    Ewen

    1. Right? If he’d said “I don’t know enough to say what I like, can you suggest a scenario that works for you and I’ll tell you how I feel about it?” I could work with that. If he’d asked for resources or to go to a munch I could provide that. This doesn’t sound like genuine interest in kink at all, it sounds like a guy spouting bullshit to get in my pants. Sigh.

      1. In particular, “tell me about a kinky fantasy of yours” seems much more likely to get someone interested in playing with you, than a “I want to see what it’s like.
        I’m really interested.” 🙂 Plus being more likely to lead to open discussion that might actually find common interest if the first thing suggested didn’t seem fun.

        From your description I’m inclined to offer the benefit of the doubt, and conclude “genuinely curious, but uninformed and going the wrong way about becoming informed”. But your conclusion could be right too!

        Ewen

        1. You may be right, but I’m not interested in playing tour guide with someone I’d have to nurse through the entire process of getting informed, figuring out what he does and doesn’t know and understand, what he gets and what needs expanding on, what he’s into and how he’s looking to feel…just on the off chance he’s actually interested in something I am and able to enjoy it in a compatible way. Frankly I didn’t approach him, and I have zero investment in this process. So even best case scenario, the kid ain’t worth my time.

          (Yup, I’m a big meanie.)

          1. FWIW, I wasn’t suggesting your approach should change at all, even in the “benefit of the doubt” case. Helping people find out about something/their interest in something should be reserved for situations where one has some investment in the outcome.

            I was mostly just musing that there may be a correlation between saying one is interested in kinky things and other people saying “oh, I’ve always been meaning to ask/explore/…”.

            Ewen

  2. Uggggh, guys like this are a huge pet peeve of mine. “I wanna try kinky stuff! I don’t know what, exactly, but kinky stuff! Just do anything you want to me!”

    I really feel like these guys fundamentally don’t understand what kink IS. Like they think it involves some magical activity that only our sooper sekrit club knows about, that’ll give him the best orgasm ever and afterward he gets the Cool Kid badge.

    And then once they realize that kink is just ordinary activities that SOME people get a charge out of BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE HAVE THAT KINK, they get all confused and disgruntled. “But…but…you’re just slapping me on the ass! Nothing about this looks like an edgy music video and I don’t feel cool or badass! I’VE BEEN HORNSWOGGLED!!!”

  3. Nowadays when some dudebro on FetLife tells me he wants to be my slave and “will try anything once” or “do anything for me” I tell him I want to nail his dick to a wooden table. And that I don’t own a wooden table so he needs to buy me one. And that afterwards I’ll get him to do my housework.

    I have never heard from any of these dudes again.

    1. “I would like to level up the sex. Give to me the kink badge plz.” So appealing. How can any woman resist.

      Hornswoggled is my new favorite word 🙂

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