All posts by Nic

Mirage

It’s the first hot day, the first day of skin baking as soon as you step outside, of air that scalds your lungs when you breathe deep. I’m lying in the grass eating apricots that she won’t touch. Too warm, she says. Like eating small furred creatures alive. (She says “souris”–mice, not “creatures,” but it’s small, burrowing things she calls to mind). The heat makes my scalp itch. She’s pacing like a tiger in a cage. We’re alone as far as we can see: shimmering air, our picnic bag, Mad, and me.

“You are going to burn.” She’s pouting.

“So are you. Should we find some shade?”

“Too hot. We will die here, all burned up and blistered.”

“Oh. In that case you should kiss me.”

“Tu es folle?”

“You won’t give me a dying wish?”

“Tu veux un baiser?” She’s smiling, finally, looking down at me.

“Yes. No. Je veux…baise moi?”

“I knew you would say that.” She’s grinning. It wouldn’t be the first time we fucked outside. There’s no one here. I hold my breath. She shakes her head. “How can you think like that, it’s so hot.”

She isn’t touching me, and I don’t think she will. It’s too hot. My hair is shifting in the grass. I stifle a shudder at the image of fire ants marching through it. I’m sweating, my shirt stuck to my skin. I am trying to remember that she is delicate. Under this sun, she wilts. Under her, I turn cracked and hard. I want to kiss her–yes, even sticky with apricots. Even with sweat drying salt on my skin. I want her hands creeping under my clothes, clawing, burrowing for cooler earth straight through me. I am wishing her poise would melt along with her makeup, am comforted that it does not. I crave her something vicious and irritable. I want to kiss her like a cottonmouth strikes, again, and again, long after my venom runs out. I want to lick the shimmer from her skin. I want her to make me forget the redness blooming across my skin.

But she is waiting for me to stand, and when I do her kiss is soothing. “Let’s go.” I let myself be soothed.

We leave apricots and dented grass behind.

e[Lust] #80

Elust 80 Penny's Dirty Thoughts
Photo courtesy of Penny’s Dirty Thoughts

Welcome to Elust #80

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #81 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Something Meaningful
The debate goes on
Trim

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

No Take Backsies: Sexual “Politeness”
THE Process

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

He’s not a Tumblr Dom
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Non-Fiction

She Strips The Boundaries Away The Black Bra
He enjoyed Playing with My Shoes
One… two… ménage à trois!
Doing Mt. Shasta
What’s Behind that First Strike…
Memories
How To Top Off Valentine Weekend Lovemaking
Watching Cunnilingus
Scened All Night
Spoiled in the Sun
The Tennent
01/14 Session With Mistress Claire & Others
THREESOME HEAVEN – extreme sensations
The neighbours don’t learn my name
home

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

I Don’t Date on the First Sex
Meat market

Erotic Fiction

Lines
Who’s the Boss? (She is)
A Little Distraction
Let Me Share
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…
a bit of filth
Original Sin
Watching

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

My Day of Punishments Part 1
Filthy girl
Kink Without Sex: What Happens After Orgasms
Dominant roots
Using Our D/s to Get Through Stress

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

First Times
The number of the beast…
Sometimes Love is Not a Pie
Bareback
Looking deep through reflection
Pussy Pics
So I Was Thinking

Events

A Night with Zombies – Cinema l’Amour
ELust Site Badge

Stormlit

The worst of the storms keep twisting around us. Disaster forecast, then only wind and not too much rain. The city shuts down. Last month, it was tornadoes. This time, flooding, lightning, high winds. I know how destructive they can be, I know better than to say it too loudly, here, but I have always loved storms.

This one only teased: the smell of water, a lightning show in the distance, a spattering of rain. Not the soaking chaos I crave, but enough to make me need to step outside.

Sinful Sunday

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015. Top 10! What?

Molly took over the enormous task of compiling the top ten of Molly’s top 100 sex bloggers of 2015, published last week, and I’m honored (and shocked! And very confused!) to be included in the top 10. I may have said “Oh my fucking God.” at work. Thankfully my boss is unfazed by me cussing without context in the office.

This blog has been somewhat neglected lately, and I’ve been neglecting the blogs I read, so in addition to being grateful to be included, I’m using this as a reminder to not put this project quite so low on my priority list and to start reading my favorites (many of whom are also included!) and find some new favorites as well.

The entire top 100 list is below:

New Voice of the Year Award

This award goes to a blog that is new this year and therefore have not been around long enough to qualify for the Top Sex Bloggers list. After much sole searching I have decided that there are two winners of this award this year.

Melina Greenport: I discovered her blog through Wicked Wednesday and have fallen increasingly in love with her sexy, intelligent, beautiful writing. Seriously, if fabulous erotic fiction is your thing then this lady is going to rock your world.

Exposing 40: Exposing 40 has launched herself into the blogging world with style, grace and passion. Her site is a body positive adventure, centred around life in your 40’s. This blog is an unashamed look at, not only her body, but both male and female guests and challenges the traditional ideals of youth = beauty/sex and I am really looking forward to seeing where this project takes her in 2016.

And now with the previews done lets launch ourselves into the main event!

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015

1. A Dissolute Life Means

When I started this project I knew Hy was going to make the top 10 but once all the scoring was done she emerged a worthy winner of this years list. Her writing is fearless, bold, honest and raw. She never shies away from the realities of herself when it comes to her writing. She is funny, sexy, intelligent, thought-provoking, sometimes heart breaking, and often heart warming. She also runs the fabulous #Boobday meme ‘a place for us to honour breasts of all shapes and sizes belonging to all types of folks’. In my opinion she is a most worthy winner!

2. Love Hate Sex Cake

I have long been a dedicated reader of Cheeky Minx but 2015 has seen her completely blow me away. Her photography is second to none and when coupled with her deliciously sexy prose packs a lust filled punch that will leave you breathless and returning again and again for more.

3. Malin James

Malin’s blog is a delightful mix of quality sexy erotica and thoughtful intelligent opinion pieces. One moment she will be knocking your knickers off with her erotic fiction and the next she will have you pondering the vagaries of life. She is a skilled and passionate writer, insightful, self aware and utterly engaging, her blog is one of those places that you can happily lose hours of your life in.

4. Dangerous Lilly

Lilly is all the things you want in a sex toy reviewer; honest, smart, dedicated, and knowledgeable. Her no nonsense writing is engaging and informative and damn can she make me laugh. This woman really knows her stuff, and she is my go to site when when I want to get an opinion on a sex toy. She is one of those bloggers who comes across as being totally and utterly herself and her blog is possibly one the best designed and easiest to navigate on this whole list.

5. Switch Studies

I first discovered Ginger Nic’s blog through Elust but doing the research for this list caused me to delve a lot deeper into her site, what I found totally hooked me in. Her writing is intelligent, artistic, and covers a wide range of topics. It is a true glimpse into her life and thought processes that will make you want to read on. There really is something for everyone here, regardless of your persuasion

6. Holden and Camille

In my opening post about the list back in January I said if you knock my knickers off you are going to do well and these guys totally did that. In fact they didn’t just knock them off they tore them off and threw them across the room. Their photography is quite frankly smoking hot. From suggestively erotic to devilishly filthy these guys have it covered, or should that be uncovered? This blog is a fabulous journey through one couples sex lives in the bedroom, living room, dinning room, bathroom, staircase and beyond and whenever I visit there I always end up leaving with the urge to indulge in a damn good fuck.

7. Remittance Girl

If, like me, you like your erotica raw and gritty with not a happy ever after ending in sight then RG’s writing is the stuff for you. Combine that with strong, well reasoned opinion pieces and you have got yourself a winner. In my opinion RG is one of the best writers of short erotic literature of our time. She has the power to make you think about human desire and eroticism in a way that will at times leave you uncomfortable whilst also turning you on.

8. Stranded in Toronto

There is no one else quite like Stranded in the sex blogging community in my opinion. A fine writer, he has a talent for combining sci-fi and fantasy with humour and hot dirty sex that will have you returning again and again to his site. 2015 has been the year of self publishing for him but that has not slowed him down when it comes to his blog. He is prolific in his writing and there is always something new to enjoy on his site.

9. The Big Gay Review

This blog was completely new to us and both of us were completely taken with it. It is beautiful presented, easy to navigate and his pictures of the products that he reviews are not only beautifully done but also numerous so you really get to see the products in detail. Oh and this guy is funny. He has a wonderful turn of phrase that resulted in us both sitting here chuckling to ourselves as we read. I have a feeling that hanging out with Dave in real life would be a total blast and he most definitely has been added to the list of sex bloggers I would one day like to meet in person.

10. Domme Chronicles

I have been a very long time reader of Ferns, in fact over the years I am fairly sure there is not much of her content that I have not actually read. Despite the fact that her kink is pretty much the direct opposite of mine I am an avid reader of her site. She is a phenomenal writer and her blog is an honest frank account of what it means to her to be a female Domme.

11. Seattle Poly Chick N/A
12. My Dissolute Life @nlikes
13. The Power Exchange @talesofmouse
14. Abbi Rode and Told @OCDcrankypants
15. Rebel’s Notes @rebelsnotes
16. Girly Juice @girly_juice
17. Innocent Loverboy @innocentlb
18. The Drew Duality @dualdrew
19. Ann St Vincent @AnnStVincent
20. Jade Aurora Waters @jadeawaters
21. Insatiable Desire @RayneMillaray
22. Understanding Flutterby @FlutterbyFlip
23. Cammies on the floor @cammiesonfloor
24. Aerie’s Room @aeriesroom
25. Seaside Slut Diary @seasideslut
26. Sex Blog (of Sorts) N/A
27. oh Joy Sex Toy @ErikaMoen
28. Modesty Ablaze @ablazingmodesty
29. Denying Thumper @thumperMN
30. Lady Laid Bare @JillyBoyd
31. Redhead Bedhead @joellennotte
32. Hey Epiphora @epiphora
33. The Gritty Woman @GrittyWoman
34. Miss Ruby Reviews @MissRubyReviews
35. Behind the Chintz Curtain @ChintzCurtain
36. Superotica @TamsinFlowers
37. The Sub Mission @The_Sub_Mission
38. Rouged Mount N/A
39. You can’t Tame this Sassy Cat @Sassycat38
40. BD Swain @redswain
41. The Submission of Elle @hispetitelle
42. Temperature’s Rising N/A
43. Ninja Sexology @ninjasexology
44. Cara Sutra @thecarasutra
45. Kitty Stryker @kittystryker
46. Deviantt Kitten @devianttkitten
47. Horny Geek Girl @hornygeekgirl
48. Poison Pen Dirty Mind @OleanderPlume
49. Teachers have sex @teachershavesex
50. Penny for your Dirty Thoughts @pennysblog
51. Emmeline Peaches Reviews @EmmelinePeaches
52. Maria Open’s Up @MSM1647
53. A to sub Bee @sub_bee
54. Songs From His Nyghtbird N/A
55. A Roll in the Hay @kinthehay
56. Apricot Creams @apricotcreams
57. A Sexual Being @KaylaLords
58. Reticent Mental Property N/A
59. Janine Ashbless N/A
60. The Erotic Writer N/A
61. Crista Anne @pinkness
62. Ero Centric @EROcentric
63. Break Out N/A
64. Happy Come Lucky @ht_honey
65. Stella Kiink @stellakiink
66. He’s Naked @hesnaked
67. F Dot Leonora @fdotleonora
68. Tabitha Rayne @TabithaErotica
69. This Girl’s Weblog N/A
70. Under His Hand N/A
71. Toy Meets Girl @dizzygirl812
72. Sex is my New Hobby @SexIsMyNewHobby
73. Exhibit A @EA_unadorned
74. Cara Thereon N/A
75. Marvelous Darling @marvydarling
76. The Other Livvy @theotherlivvy
77. Beck and Her Kinks @Beck_Noire
78. Just Indecerous @JustIndecerous
79. Mr Wills House of Thrills @MrWills_HoT
80. A Kilted Wookie Writes @Kilted_Wookie
81. Artemisia FemmeCock @AFemmeCock
82. Illicit thoughts @Kats_my_Name__
83. Kink Praxis @TGStoneButch
84. Bangs and Whimpers @bangsnwhimpers
85. Vagina Antics @vaginaantics
86. Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines @JaimeMortimer
87. The Lustful Literate @lustfulliterate
88. Ella Dawson @brosandprose
89. Sexologist Vixenne @DrVixenne
90. Frisky in the 916 @jackandjillcpl
91. Absolutely Ruby @Absolutely_Ruby
92. Malflic @malflic
93. The Kiss Me Quick’s Erotica Podcast @RoseCaraway
94. Bex talks Sex @bextalkssex
95. Frisky’s Sex Toy Reviews @FriskyGirl_
96. Kinky Biker Mom @KinkyBikerMom
97. Wank of the Day @wankoftheday
98. Charlie in the Pool @charlieinthe
99. My Sex Life with Lola N/A

100. YOU! Rori always left this last spot free for the all the other awesome sex bloggers out there. It is just not possible to include everyone, I relied on the nominations to gather the list and I am sure there are people missing, but this place is for you because every single one of you counts and contributes towards this community.

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015

Bareback

I carry a pile of condoms in my purse. I like to have a variety. “Classic,” large, non-latex, internal. There’s one specially shaped to improve sensation for uncircumcised penises. One in black latex with a raised design that I honestly can barely feel, but the size and shape work for a variety of penises and when you roll it onto a dick it looks like a fuckable work of art, so on balance I’m a fan.

I carry condoms even though in Louisiana doing so can be considered enough evidence of prostitution to arrest. I hand them out by the thousands, literally (I work in sexual health). I’ve even stuck a couple to the fridge in case my roommates find themselves in need of one. I do this because as a prevention tool, condoms are versatile and effective.

I do not use condoms consistently.

Choosing not to use them is a big deal for me. Working in public health drills a very specific message into you, and that message is WEAR A CONDOM! Every act, every time, even for oral sex, unless you’re in a 100% mutually monogamous long term relationship and you’re 300% sure your partner isn’t cheating and even then…maybe wear a condom.

It’s not advice that works for everyone. To be perfectly honest, it’s not advice that works for most people. It doesn’t always work for me.

I’m not monogamous. (I know, you’re shocked. I’ll let that sink in.) Currently, I don’t even have any long-term relationship type partners. I have a couple of friends with benefits who live out of state, and another lover even farther away. Visits with any of them are infrequent.

The lover is a woman I’ve written about before (and whom I haven’t seen in a year, but I’m hoping to soon). We don’t use barriers for fucking with hands, and I can’t remember the last time I used one for oral sex with anyone. When we fucked the same man, we insisted on a new condom every time he switched between us. He didn’t understand why, but he didn’t argue.

One friend with benefits is married/poly. He doesn’t use condoms with his wife, does with everyone else. We still let each other know when we get STI screening (twice a year, for me)–condoms aren’t always effective against all the things.

The other is a boy who hadn’t had sex with anyone before me, and still hasn’t with anyone else. The first time, and the next visit, we used condoms. A lot of them–it’s not often I find someone willing to try to keep up with me when I’m in the mood for an all-weekend sex marathon. (Aside: this poor man, when he starts seeing someone not me…)

Before the following visit I asked if he wanted me to stock up on condoms. Neither of us was having condomless sex with anyone else. I hadn’t been with anyone else, period, since months before my last STI panel. I use a copper IUD for birth control, and while any birth control method can fail, the IUD has effectiveness similar to tubal ligation; I don’t really worry. And I like the mess of fluids, maybe partly because they’re taboo. He didn’t have a preference either way, so we decided to go without, at least until/unless one of us wanted to pick them back up again.

It’s not as straightforward, for me, as being fluid bonded with this person/those two, not with anyone else. It’s a topic that has to be revisited, fairly often, and I’ve definitely had partners (including my ex-spouse) bristle at the conversation. It’s not what works for everyone, but it seems to be what works best for me.

Water

There’s a boy who likes to watch me shower. I like to show him, even though too often distance means I can’t entice him to join me in the water.

And sometimes it takes a filter to show the tentacle-haired sea-creature I really am 😉

(The app used to make the picture all bubbly is called Percolator)

Sinful Sunday

Bogeyman in a Red Dress

If there’s one toxic, terrifying thing that (straight) monogamy normalizes, it’s the idea that a partner’s friends are a sexual or romantic threat.

You know. The idea that friendships men and women can never be “benign”. The assertion that these friendships will destroy your marriage. The idea that unless it’s couples being friends with couples as a unit, opposite-sex friendships should peter out as romantic relationships become stable. That men and women can’t be “just friends.”

I had to go three pages deep in Google to find one article saying opposite-sex friendships were sometimes maybe okay for people in relationships*, and that one still said there was always going to be sexual tension. It calls that tension and jealousy a bonus–keeps partners on their toes.

So those of you who agree with this. I got a question.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Are you literally sexually attracted to every person of your preferred gender?

Really?

If so, don’t you dare ever call bisexuals “sex maniacs” again; your sexuality is clearly an all-encompassing fetish. Seriously. I’m a sex-blogging bisexual with an extraordinarily high sex drive and a preference for multiple partners–and the idea of being attracted to or having a potential relationship with every person I connect with as a friend, even if we restrict to similar ages, sounds absurd.

But fine. Lets say for the sake of argument that any person of one’s preferred gender is a potential partner. If circumstances were different, if they were single, if the right song had played or rain or one too many drinks had pushed them together years ago. If sometime in the future things were different. Of course there are people we wonder that about. Of course it makes sense to acknowledge that potential is there.

We also need to acknowledge that it’s only potential. That friends are capable of choosing to stay friends, that it’s a continual process, and what might have been or what could be are not what you choose, because you value the friendship that is. Banning people from having friends on the off chance that any given friendship could turn into a sexual or romantic relationship based on the slightest hint of desire makes no sense. Anyone with the barest shred of reasonable humanity knows better than to act on every impulse.

If someone is going to cheat,they’re willing to break the agreements of your relationship. Period. It’s not because they were tempted, it’s not because that woman they’ve known since college has been turning up the heat, inching up her skirt and moving too close by increments until he had an affair without realizing it. The cheating partner chose to cheat. Period. Every time. The person or people they cheat with may or may not have known it was an affair. They may or may not have known you existed at all. And if they knew, then yes, they did a shitty thing. But they’re an accomplice. Your partner cheated. Your partner broke an agreement with you. That is not okay. Imposing a rule isolating partners from friends isn’t going to stop them from breaking the relationship agreement and cheating, it just adds another layer of lying and hiding to the formula. If they’re willing to cheat, restricting friendships will not stop them.

Restricting any kind of access to close to half the human population (or all of it, for bi folks) is a pretty extreme form of social isolation.

Isolating partners is necessary for partner abuse. Isolating partners is a form of partner abuse.

I don’t want to hear “It’s for their own good.” You don’t make decisions for adults that are “for their own good.” That suggests they don’t have the ability to make good decisions themselves. It’s demeaning.

I don’t want to hear “It’s a slippery slope.” Your partner will either be honest with you, or they won’t. They will either respect the agreement of your sexual and romantic exclusivity, or they won’t. In either case, it’s unreasonable to ban behaviors that are not inherently problematic to prevent the risk of those that are.

I definitely don’t want to hear “They shouldn’t need anyone but me.” They shouldn’t need you. If you’re isolating your partner to ensure they can’t leave you without being totally, horribly alone, you’re abusing them.

And “It’s not that I don’t trust my partner, I don’t trust those other people” is a lie. It is that you don’t trust your partner. Your partner will not cheat accidentally. If your partner has a friend who is pursuing sex or romance despite knowing that would violate their relationship agreement, then yes, it makes sense to discuss your concerns with your partner, over how they’re setting boundaries and whether their friend respects them. It doesn’t make sense for this discussion to conclude “no friends with this whole gender, ever.”

“My partner can’t have friends of the opposite gender” means “I don’t trust my partner.” That may be fair. They may not be trustworthy. People do cheat, and lie, and the rest. The truth is, people sometimes cheat. If they do, it might mean they’re planning to leave you. It might not. (They might just be lying scumbags who feel entitled to treat partners as things. Why don’t you want them leaving again?) If they cheat, you need to decide how you want to handle that. And it’s hard. It’s fucking hard. I don’t wish it on anyone. If they leave you, of course I offer sympathies. Being dumped is horrible and you deserve ice cream…but they have every right to leave. You have every right to leave. Relationships have to be voluntary. Isolating partners to prevent them being scumbags won’t work, and preventing them leaving (probably) won’t work and it’s abusive if it does.

Oh, and polyamorous people do it, too. “You can play with/fuck/date other people but I can end it/you need my permission.” When rules for protocol surrounding a behavior become more important than the behavior itself…it leads to problems.


 

* Hello, heteronormativity! “relationship advice” is for straight people, unless it says “gay” in the title, and bisexuals just need to pretend they’re [orientation that people assume based on current partner] and use advice for that group.

Rejection, or why I took six hours to say “no, thank you.”

9:12 AM: “Would you like to play sometime?”

Not really, no.

9:26 AM: “Sorry, but–”

Why did I type that? I’m not sorry.

9:31 AM: “I’m not looking for that right now.”

What the hell? Yes I am. I’m in full predator mode. I want to tear someone apart with my teeth. I want them sobbing with desperation. I want to fuck until I’m too exhausted and overwhelmed to move. I am 100% looking for that. I’m not looking for it with him.

9:34 AM: “I don’t think it’s a good idea, because–”

Why the fuck am I implying I want this? If I give a reason it can be rebutted. It looks like it could mean “I’m interested, but–” when in fact I am not interested. It looks like maybe I’m hoping to be convinced. I really, really don’t want to deal with that.

I’m just not going to look at my phone for a while.

12:47 PM: ”                                  ”

Well, shit, now I just look like an asshole.

Okay, I don’t just look like an asshole, I am an asshole.

1:13 PM “I’m sorry–”

I’m still not fucking sorry.

1:17 PM: “Augh why did you have to ask me that I’m supposed to be fucking working”

Yeah, that’s not fair.

I’m pretty sure I lost the chance to even make a diplomacy check after twenty minutes of silence. May as well get it over with.

1:19 PM: “No, thank you.”

Cold.

I mean, it’s not cold, not really, not any more than any other “no.” It’s honest. Makes no excuses. But I feel the ire of every man who’s ever said “fine, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it,” and I hesitate. How do I say no without making it awkward? Without a late night phone call months from now angrily demanding that I Just Give Him A Chance (which is what the last man I went on exactly one date with did).

Maybe if I don’t answer he’ll miraculously un-ask.

Maybe I should stop being a fucking coward and just say no.

Maybe managing his reaction isn’t my job, and anyway maybe I’m being unfair, assuming he’ll react badly. Maybe I should just get it the hell over with.

Maybe if he knew how goddamn much I cuss he’d want to rescind the invitation on his own.

2:36 PM: “No, thank you.”

Hesitate.

This is ridiculous. I’ve rejected plenty of people. Hit send already. Do it.

He’s going to ask why, you know that, right?

Fuck me, brain, why you gotta say that? None of his business is why.

Okay but he’s going to ask.

I’m just not feeling it.

Weak.

So?

So how are you going to deal with it?

Apparently by not responding to his text for all day, that’s how.

Dick move.

I know! *deep breath* Okay.

2:40 PM: “Sorry for leaving you hanging. I was looking for a less disappointing way to phrase “no, thank you” but I suppose they all come out about the same.”

Send.

Tick Tock (a rant)

“I can just see you counting the days until you have one of your own.”

I’ve just carried a giggle-shrieking goblin child back to its mother. I groan inwardly, but the man who spoke is clearly waiting for an answer. I smile as politely as I can. “No, I’m not having kids.”

“Oh, wait til you get married. You’ll have one within a year.”

“I’m divorced, actually. Anyway I’ve never wanted them.”

“Oh… well, you’re young. When you’re older–”

“I’m thirty.” The man speaking to me can’t be over thirty-five.

He shakes his head. “You say that now. But tick tock! That biological clock will get ya.”

Tick tock. Apparently one day I will wake up in the morning and slap my forehead in sudden realization of the obvious: of course I must want children! What other possible purpose in life could a woman have?

I don’t want children. I have never, ever, ever wanted children. I have never–not even when holding the sweetest, not-screamingest baby or playing make-believe with the most imaginative young person–thought “someday I might want this.” When I watch friends’ kids, I’m grateful as hell when they come home and I can get back to my regularly scheduled ice cream and nudity and cussing as much as I want. I do not want kids.

People want to argue. I’ll regret not having children when I’m old, they say. No one ever wants to talk about what it would mean to have a child and regret it. To raise a whole person that I do not want and be responsible for the survival and love and support and some degree of not fucking them up while also not fucking myself up even worse…yeah. There is no way this could end badly.

Except that’s the wrong thing to say. I can’t start explaining the myriad reasons that it would be a bad idea for me to have a child–the sometimes-debilitating mental illness that runs in my family, the poor vision and bad teeth they’d certainly inherit, my general lack of patience and uncompromising nature. I could go on. But any of that, all of it, I could find a way to overcome if I wanted kids. The real issue is that I do not want them.

I don’t hate children. They’re cute and the young ones’ unfiltered honestly delights me. I don’t think it ruins lunch if a friend brings her son along. If I’m honest, I kind of like them.

In small doses.

As long as they aren’t coming home with me.

I get that kids bring something magical and shiny to some people’s lives. That they can’t imagine enjoying life without that experience any more than I can imagine enjoying life with it. But the fact that I smile at kids and have fun taking them to play sometimes doesn’t mean I want one of my own. I like going to the zoo and no one thinks that’s incontrovertible proof that I want a giraffe. Same with small DIY humans.

People aren’t so adamant about telling me I’m wrong about what I want with most things. “I don’t like mushrooms” is rarely met with more than momentary incredulity. “I want to see x happen at work” is met with questions and brainstorming and support. “I want a tattoo” is accepted by most people who are not my mother (she knows it’s true but she Does Not Like It). But anything that has to do with sex–and children do have to do with sex–if I don’t conform to most people’s expectations of how a woman should relate to sex, I clearly don’t know my own mind. I need to be corrected, for my own good. Of course I couldn’t be bi, and I don’t like sex as much as or more than most men, and I definitely, DEFINITELY will want to have kids.

At this point I’m going to have to have “yes, I’m sure I don’t want kids” inscribed on my tombstone before it’s taken seriously. I know what I want. I don’t want kids.

And if I were wrong? If I am woefully incapable of making the “right” decision on the spawning front without correction from others? Why on earth would anyone who doesn’t trust that I know what I want trust me to be responsible for a whole helpless human being?