I’m going to knock a few of these out at a go here.
Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
I’m a switch married to a switch. Sometimes this works out perfectly, when he feels sadistic and I want pain or vice versa. Others, less well. Mostly when this happens it’s because we both want to top. We have various ways of deciding in these situations, from grappling to playing board games with stakes. And then there was last time. Which is only funny if you play D&D. This conversation occurred in D&D 3.5.
Me- “Of course I get to be in charge. I’m charming.”
Him- “So? I’m charming too.”
“Nah. I have like 18 charisma. You’re just cute.”
“I don’t think you can be the domme of me just because you have a high Cha. Unless you’re trying to use Bluff?”
“Maybe I’m a sorcerer with a school specialization in Enchantment. I cast Dominate Person!”
“Well maybe I’m a dwarf and have a +2 racial bonus on saves against spells.”
“You’re too tall to be a dwarf. Anyway, your wedding ring is actually a cursed item that gives you a -5 penalty to resisting me.”
“What? I thought we looked at the crafting rules when you were making your sea witch and couldn’t find any for cursed items.”
“That’s your objection?”
“Also you shouldn’t give your husband cursed items or be casting mind affecting spells on me.”
“Well if you’d just let me be on top I wouldn’t have to.”
“Hang on, I think we need to roll and see if you can do this.”
I’d say this was an anomaly, but really we talk like this pretty often. So yeah, hi, my name is Nicole and I’m a giant nerd…
Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
I hate this question. The appeal is that it gets me off, from the fact that I can literally orgasm from pain alone to the amazing sexual rush of bringing someone to his/her knees. No one would ask “but why do you like redheads so much?” or “what’s the appeal of New Mexican cuisine?” because these are fairly common things to like. BDSM is less socially accepted, so people feel the need to explain it and have it explained. Sure, you could probably get into a variety of psychological bases for the appeal, but unless someone is just using BSDM as some sort of therapy it’s really not a useful thing to do. I’m drawn to it because it’s fun and exciting and sexy as hell. End of story.
How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Nothing goes wrong in a fantasy. No one ties a knot that cuts off circulation or lands a hit too hard or two inches to the right of where they meant to. No one misinterprets a word or a gesture, hardcore non-negotiated rape fantasies can be played out with zero risk of crossing an actual line. Fantasy is completely safe.
No one touches you in a fantasy. There’s no hot breath on the back of your neck, no sting of leather on skin. In a fantasy two people don’t close off the rest of the world and open up to each other, and can’t kick off that exquisite feedback loop of trust and arousal and connection. Fantasy can’t anticipate the unexpected, not just things gone wrong but little moments, a chuckle under someone’s breath, the tingling taste of a hard kiss, the shiver when your partner says “I want–” and you don’t know yet what’s coming next.
I’ll take real life every time.
Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Oy. Do you know how many different activities are out there? It’s insane. No really, look. So much kinky kinkiness! I’ve tried a substantial chunk of the landscape, cordoned off a number of areas to never ever try, and then yes, of course there are some things that look interesting but who knows. At the moment I’m looking for a really heavy impact scene. I play pretty heavy with impact already, so this may seem like cheating. The difference is, I’d like to do some limit testing. I want to get beaten until I have to safeword. Not because I want to be punished or badly hurt, but because I want to know where my pain limits are and want to end a scene without the mild frustration of thinking “I could have kept going.” There’s something delightful about being completely tapped out.
There are some considerations that make this difficult. First of all I can take a pretty heavy beating, so the top would have to be quite strong and have a lot of stamina. Second is trust. This goes both ways: obviously I need a partner I can trust to play safely and stay within other limits even while trying to break this one, but my partner also needs to know that doing this wouldn’t be a problem later. I don’t see using a safeword as necessarily meaning a scene has gone wrong (though obviously sometimes it does) but not everyone sees it that way. Third, noise. This can’t be done at home. There will be screaming, cursing, crying, and audible impact. Neighbors would call the police if they’re even halfway responsible people. So it’s a scene that would have to happen at the club and should probably include a heads-up to the DM. Fourth, I volunteer with battered women. Yes, really. Location of bruises is going to become more restrictive as the weather gets warmer. It can–and likely will–happen, but the planning will have to be more careful and more heavily negotiated than usual.