e[Lust] #82

Elust 82 Header
Photo courtesy of Teachers Have Sex

Welcome to Elust #82

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #83 Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Take Me

How Do I Love Thee:On Comparing Relationships

Asking all the questions…

 

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Erotic Fiction: Fishnet Queen

I Manage My Expectations

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

Wanna Have Sex With Me? – Here’s how
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Maybe I’m not a pervert after all
Bad Excuses
Engaging with Sexuality: A Personal Perspecti
I wish there were more porn
Cock Size: Does it matter?
Blue is not a “boy color.”

Erotic Non-Fiction

Watching My Wife With Another Man Story
Afternoon Cunnilingus & Birthday Sofa Sex
Why You Should Shave Your Partner
Oct 2014 Session – Mistress Claire
Two Days Later
Roping a cougarling
Divining Rods
Dorabella’s pink-velvet spanner

Erotic Fiction

Puppy Love
Quick & Dirty
She Says My Voice Changes for Her
THE BLINDFOLD – fear of the unknown
U is for undress…
Stay Baby…Stay.
kink of the week–glasses

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Slutfest Reflection
Love and Fairness
Winnowing
V is for……..
My heart turns blacker: the new rules

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Blast from the Fetish Video Past
The whole person approach to Submission
Down on my knees
Dominant Doppelgangers, Dominant Opposites
Four eyes
BDSM and Depression: Therapy or Self-Harm?

Poetry

Eden, Revisited: A Lusty Limerick

Writing About Writing

Stepping Stones
Centering Disabled Characters in My Erotica

 

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Winnowing

There’s an art to hearing input from confidantes, on private things. It’s a challenge to hear past familiar thought patterns and feelings to accept what wisdom they can add. It takes a fair bit of finesse to tease out the words that come from their own histories, experiences no less valid than your own but perhaps not relevant when spun into advice for you. I…won’t pretend to be an expert.

The Chef and Chi have plenty to say. I told them I’ve only had a couple of dates in the last several months. Felt no excitement after either. “I don’t think I’m looking to start any Relationships right now. Something, sex for sure, but the thought of dating exhausts me.” While we’re together, I let conversation flow, save the critical part for later. There’s a winnowing process, which for me takes some time and quiet.

Wheat. “You should keep in mind what you will want, when you are feeling it. Every now and then evaluate whether you still aren’t interested in a relationship, or you’re just avoiding taking any risks.” Anxiety does tell me to keep myself curled up, treat any hint of intimacy as a threat. My gut is unreliable. I have to untangle the thoughts and feelings I’ve generated whole cloth, or out of association with a past that has nothing to do with now, from the ones that match current experience. I’m not always good at it. I don’t always–ever, really–feel that it’s fair to ask someone new to understand. So much easier to spin a cocoon that never admits someone new. I know better than that, but still, it does help to be reminded.

Wheat. “You have some good friends. You sleep with some of them, it works, maybe don’t be afraid to feel out whether that’s an option.” After I’ve known someone a while, if we haven’t had sex, I tend to assume it’s not on the table. I might be down for it but 95% of the time I’ll assume they aren’t. Of course, the most recent exception has become a particularly excellent (if infrequent) source of sexy fun times. There are tiring things about this–friends-with-benefits situations with monogamous people put me in the tenuous position of playing side-chick with people who are single, knowing I’ll be set aside when they find a partner. I accept this at the outset and I’ve chosen it more than once because I’m avoiding risk of intimacy, but it does get hard not to feel disposable at times.

Chaff. “People cheat. They just do, if you don’t keep them interested. You can’t expect that people will tell you who they’re screwing, I don’t care how open the relationship is.” I can. I do. I will. I have no interest in being lied to, and refuse to just accept that this is The Way People Are.

Wheat. “It’s not about what you need. Fuck that, you don’t need anything. What makes you happy?” I can’t answer that. It’s probably the best indicator that I don’t need to be pursuing anything right now, the fact that I can’t answer that. What makes me happy? Fuck, I don’t know, ice cream? Ask me again when I feel like my housing/income/job situation is a little more solid under my feet. It’ll probably be a while.

Chaff. “You can’t tell men what you want. They won’t believe you. Drop hints. Let them think they figured it out. Otherwise they won’t believe it’s real.” This is too often true. I have no patience for it. I say what I mean. I expect to be believed. It’s not a standard I’m willing to lower.

Chaff…I think.  “Jealousy means they care. You always want to work through jealousy, soothe it away, but you should try cultivating it sometime. the right kind. I got jealous as fuck when he made you scream, but it just made me want to do it to you, too.” I don’t trust jealousy to stay in the realm of healthy competition. Maybe she knows how to keep it there, maybe it works for her, but I’ve seen it get ugly too many times. I don’t know. It’s hard, this one. I don’t know.

Wheat. “Date your friends. Date your lovers. We’re not the same people we were three years ago. I still think of you as my girlfriend but that means something different now, doesn’t it?” It does and I’m flattered and she’s right. Relationships, friendships, all of it stays fluid. People stay fluid. We entwine first branches, then roots. Grow closer some places, have to draw back where we damage each other in other. Sometimes we grow apart. The Chef and I have–there’s so much distance, neither of us reaches out often enough to keep us close–but so far we learn each other again and fall into a new pattern that works. I like this. I like that I don’t feel any pressure to expect that it’ll work out again next time.

It was a long evening of talk, most of it simply sweet and fun. We don’t always agree. It’s something I love about them both, that we can feel safe that not-agreeing won’t devolve into fights. Only more to process. I’m still processing some of it.

e[Lust] #81

Hyacinth foe Elust 81
Photo courtesy of A Dissolute Life Means

Welcome to Elust #81

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #82 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Who Are You Calling Crazy Cat Lady?

Stranger on a Train

Taking Emilia

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

The Sign
Everyday sexism

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

The Best Sex
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Fist
Johnny on the Spot
Wierd
Caught Watching
A is for the ache I feel…
OVER THE EDGE – but softly
This is Love

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

The NiteFlirt-Twitter Findom-Shout Complex
Donald Trump: Feminist

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Do What You Want
Setting expectations
Control
Held Captive

Erotic Non-Fiction

My Rope Life Rebooted
I Needed my Fix
Beautiful, Loving, Surprise Birthday Blowjob!
Mind and Body
Bukkake, Babe, that’s me! Or is it?
Jun 2014 Session – Mistress Claire & Robynn
Don’t Just Fuck Her!
Mid Week Fantasizing — The 3some
I told him I’m Hy.

Writing About Writing

Captive Audience: Dubious Consent Fantasy

Poetry

He is Risen! A Lusty Limerick
Thin – an erotic poem

Blogging

The illusion of familiarity…

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Be A Better Lover
trust
Who Owns My Sexual Agency?

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Boobs on my Mind
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Strappy Little Things

When it come’s to lingerie, I’m not much for wispy pieces, no diaphanous gauze or teasing lace. It’s all too fragile, makes me feel obligated to act dainty and demure when I am neither. I’m drawn to bands and straps, to leather, to steel boning; lingerie that looks like cages, makes me feel like something fierce and barely contained.

 

Sinful Sunday

Be a Better Lover

It’s not about lasting longer. It’s not about a set of techniques.

I love the idea of getting someone so turned on they can’t hold back from orgasm for more than a moment. So when a man (it’s always a man) tells me he’s deliberately holding back an orgasm to “be a better lover” or “because I don’t want to be selfish,” I want to tear my hair out. “Better lover” looks like code for proving some kind of masculinity or winning an internal endurance contest, not about a partner’s pleasure. Most women don’t orgasm due to penetration alone at all–prolonging it isn’t going to eventually overcome the secret barrier to unlocking her orgasm-from-penetration, it’s just going to chafe eventually. I am one of the ones who can get off that way, but that doesn’t mean I want endless PiV intercourse (see chafing above).

Another common “better lover” technique that has to have high failure rates is taking something that worked with another partner or partners, or something seen in porn, read about in Cosmo, whatever, and ignoring its effectiveness on the actual person you’re in bed with. If a partner stops you, says or signals that something doesn’t feel good, or just doesn’t respond positively to something, odds are it’s not super amazing for that partner. And for god’s sake if your partner says “that’s not working/I don’t like that,” stop doing it. Don’t just obliviously continue. Don’t try again after a few minutes. Just stop. The last time I was with one partner he kept trying to do this uncomfortable two-finger thing to my clit while we were fucking, even after a “that’s making me cringe. Not good.” I’m not real keen on sleeping with him a next time, no matter how exciting his other partners find it. And don’t act like your partner is malfunctioning if they don’t like Magical Finger Technique #3 that was so great with your girlfriend six years ago. You wouldn’t sulk or suggest something’s wrong with a partner who doesn’t eat shrimp just because six-years-ago-girlfriend loved them, would you? Why is sex different?

If you want to be a better lover, stop listening to magazines and ads that tell you what women like or what men want. They’re useless. Listen to your partner. No woman is the amalgam Woman of a Cosmopolitan magazine poll. Ask what they want, listen to the answer, and (unless it crosses some boundary of yours) do that thing. Listen to feedback. Improve. If one of my partners did all the things that I find fucking amazing in bed to someone else, the most common response would be along the lines of “Jesus fuck what is wrong with you? Slow down! Not so hard!” If someone tried slow, sensuous, light touches with me and didn’t escalate relatively quickly…I’d probably suggest we watch a movie instead. There’s no manual. There are no cheat codes. There’s just talking and trying and finding what works.

Mirage

It’s the first hot day, the first day of skin baking as soon as you step outside, of air that scalds your lungs when you breathe deep. I’m lying in the grass eating apricots that she won’t touch. Too warm, she says. Like eating small furred creatures alive. (She says “souris”–mice, not “creatures,” but it’s small, burrowing things she calls to mind). The heat makes my scalp itch. She’s pacing like a tiger in a cage. We’re alone as far as we can see: shimmering air, our picnic bag, Mad, and me.

“You are going to burn.” She’s pouting.

“So are you. Should we find some shade?”

“Too hot. We will die here, all burned up and blistered.”

“Oh. In that case you should kiss me.”

“Tu es folle?”

“You won’t give me a dying wish?”

“Tu veux un baiser?” She’s smiling, finally, looking down at me.

“Yes. No. Je veux…baise moi?”

“I knew you would say that.” She’s grinning. It wouldn’t be the first time we fucked outside. There’s no one here. I hold my breath. She shakes her head. “How can you think like that, it’s so hot.”

She isn’t touching me, and I don’t think she will. It’s too hot. My hair is shifting in the grass. I stifle a shudder at the image of fire ants marching through it. I’m sweating, my shirt stuck to my skin. I am trying to remember that she is delicate. Under this sun, she wilts. Under her, I turn cracked and hard. I want to kiss her–yes, even sticky with apricots. Even with sweat drying salt on my skin. I want her hands creeping under my clothes, clawing, burrowing for cooler earth straight through me. I am wishing her poise would melt along with her makeup, am comforted that it does not. I crave her something vicious and irritable. I want to kiss her like a cottonmouth strikes, again, and again, long after my venom runs out. I want to lick the shimmer from her skin. I want her to make me forget the redness blooming across my skin.

But she is waiting for me to stand, and when I do her kiss is soothing. “Let’s go.” I let myself be soothed.

We leave apricots and dented grass behind.

e[Lust] #80

Elust 80 Penny's Dirty Thoughts
Photo courtesy of Penny’s Dirty Thoughts

Welcome to Elust #80

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #81 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Something Meaningful
The debate goes on
Trim

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

No Take Backsies: Sexual “Politeness”
THE Process

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

He’s not a Tumblr Dom
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Non-Fiction

She Strips The Boundaries Away The Black Bra
He enjoyed Playing with My Shoes
One… two… ménage à trois!
Doing Mt. Shasta
What’s Behind that First Strike…
Memories
How To Top Off Valentine Weekend Lovemaking
Watching Cunnilingus
Scened All Night
Spoiled in the Sun
The Tennent
01/14 Session With Mistress Claire & Others
THREESOME HEAVEN – extreme sensations
The neighbours don’t learn my name
home

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

I Don’t Date on the First Sex
Meat market

Erotic Fiction

Lines
Who’s the Boss? (She is)
A Little Distraction
Let Me Share
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…
a bit of filth
Original Sin
Watching

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

My Day of Punishments Part 1
Filthy girl
Kink Without Sex: What Happens After Orgasms
Dominant roots
Using Our D/s to Get Through Stress

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

First Times
The number of the beast…
Sometimes Love is Not a Pie
Bareback
Looking deep through reflection
Pussy Pics
So I Was Thinking

Events

A Night with Zombies – Cinema l’Amour
ELust Site Badge

Stormlit

The worst of the storms keep twisting around us. Disaster forecast, then only wind and not too much rain. The city shuts down. Last month, it was tornadoes. This time, flooding, lightning, high winds. I know how destructive they can be, I know better than to say it too loudly, here, but I have always loved storms.

This one only teased: the smell of water, a lightning show in the distance, a spattering of rain. Not the soaking chaos I crave, but enough to make me need to step outside.

Sinful Sunday

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015. Top 10! What?

Molly took over the enormous task of compiling the top ten of Molly’s top 100 sex bloggers of 2015, published last week, and I’m honored (and shocked! And very confused!) to be included in the top 10. I may have said “Oh my fucking God.” at work. Thankfully my boss is unfazed by me cussing without context in the office.

This blog has been somewhat neglected lately, and I’ve been neglecting the blogs I read, so in addition to being grateful to be included, I’m using this as a reminder to not put this project quite so low on my priority list and to start reading my favorites (many of whom are also included!) and find some new favorites as well.

The entire top 100 list is below:

New Voice of the Year Award

This award goes to a blog that is new this year and therefore have not been around long enough to qualify for the Top Sex Bloggers list. After much sole searching I have decided that there are two winners of this award this year.

Melina Greenport: I discovered her blog through Wicked Wednesday and have fallen increasingly in love with her sexy, intelligent, beautiful writing. Seriously, if fabulous erotic fiction is your thing then this lady is going to rock your world.

Exposing 40: Exposing 40 has launched herself into the blogging world with style, grace and passion. Her site is a body positive adventure, centred around life in your 40’s. This blog is an unashamed look at, not only her body, but both male and female guests and challenges the traditional ideals of youth = beauty/sex and I am really looking forward to seeing where this project takes her in 2016.

And now with the previews done lets launch ourselves into the main event!

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015

1. A Dissolute Life Means

When I started this project I knew Hy was going to make the top 10 but once all the scoring was done she emerged a worthy winner of this years list. Her writing is fearless, bold, honest and raw. She never shies away from the realities of herself when it comes to her writing. She is funny, sexy, intelligent, thought-provoking, sometimes heart breaking, and often heart warming. She also runs the fabulous #Boobday meme ‘a place for us to honour breasts of all shapes and sizes belonging to all types of folks’. In my opinion she is a most worthy winner!

2. Love Hate Sex Cake

I have long been a dedicated reader of Cheeky Minx but 2015 has seen her completely blow me away. Her photography is second to none and when coupled with her deliciously sexy prose packs a lust filled punch that will leave you breathless and returning again and again for more.

3. Malin James

Malin’s blog is a delightful mix of quality sexy erotica and thoughtful intelligent opinion pieces. One moment she will be knocking your knickers off with her erotic fiction and the next she will have you pondering the vagaries of life. She is a skilled and passionate writer, insightful, self aware and utterly engaging, her blog is one of those places that you can happily lose hours of your life in.

4. Dangerous Lilly

Lilly is all the things you want in a sex toy reviewer; honest, smart, dedicated, and knowledgeable. Her no nonsense writing is engaging and informative and damn can she make me laugh. This woman really knows her stuff, and she is my go to site when when I want to get an opinion on a sex toy. She is one of those bloggers who comes across as being totally and utterly herself and her blog is possibly one the best designed and easiest to navigate on this whole list.

5. Switch Studies

I first discovered Ginger Nic’s blog through Elust but doing the research for this list caused me to delve a lot deeper into her site, what I found totally hooked me in. Her writing is intelligent, artistic, and covers a wide range of topics. It is a true glimpse into her life and thought processes that will make you want to read on. There really is something for everyone here, regardless of your persuasion

6. Holden and Camille

In my opening post about the list back in January I said if you knock my knickers off you are going to do well and these guys totally did that. In fact they didn’t just knock them off they tore them off and threw them across the room. Their photography is quite frankly smoking hot. From suggestively erotic to devilishly filthy these guys have it covered, or should that be uncovered? This blog is a fabulous journey through one couples sex lives in the bedroom, living room, dinning room, bathroom, staircase and beyond and whenever I visit there I always end up leaving with the urge to indulge in a damn good fuck.

7. Remittance Girl

If, like me, you like your erotica raw and gritty with not a happy ever after ending in sight then RG’s writing is the stuff for you. Combine that with strong, well reasoned opinion pieces and you have got yourself a winner. In my opinion RG is one of the best writers of short erotic literature of our time. She has the power to make you think about human desire and eroticism in a way that will at times leave you uncomfortable whilst also turning you on.

8. Stranded in Toronto

There is no one else quite like Stranded in the sex blogging community in my opinion. A fine writer, he has a talent for combining sci-fi and fantasy with humour and hot dirty sex that will have you returning again and again to his site. 2015 has been the year of self publishing for him but that has not slowed him down when it comes to his blog. He is prolific in his writing and there is always something new to enjoy on his site.

9. The Big Gay Review

This blog was completely new to us and both of us were completely taken with it. It is beautiful presented, easy to navigate and his pictures of the products that he reviews are not only beautifully done but also numerous so you really get to see the products in detail. Oh and this guy is funny. He has a wonderful turn of phrase that resulted in us both sitting here chuckling to ourselves as we read. I have a feeling that hanging out with Dave in real life would be a total blast and he most definitely has been added to the list of sex bloggers I would one day like to meet in person.

10. Domme Chronicles

I have been a very long time reader of Ferns, in fact over the years I am fairly sure there is not much of her content that I have not actually read. Despite the fact that her kink is pretty much the direct opposite of mine I am an avid reader of her site. She is a phenomenal writer and her blog is an honest frank account of what it means to her to be a female Domme.

11. Seattle Poly Chick N/A
12. My Dissolute Life @nlikes
13. The Power Exchange @talesofmouse
14. Abbi Rode and Told @OCDcrankypants
15. Rebel’s Notes @rebelsnotes
16. Girly Juice @girly_juice
17. Innocent Loverboy @innocentlb
18. The Drew Duality @dualdrew
19. Ann St Vincent @AnnStVincent
20. Jade Aurora Waters @jadeawaters
21. Insatiable Desire @RayneMillaray
22. Understanding Flutterby @FlutterbyFlip
23. Cammies on the floor @cammiesonfloor
24. Aerie’s Room @aeriesroom
25. Seaside Slut Diary @seasideslut
26. Sex Blog (of Sorts) N/A
27. oh Joy Sex Toy @ErikaMoen
28. Modesty Ablaze @ablazingmodesty
29. Denying Thumper @thumperMN
30. Lady Laid Bare @JillyBoyd
31. Redhead Bedhead @joellennotte
32. Hey Epiphora @epiphora
33. The Gritty Woman @GrittyWoman
34. Miss Ruby Reviews @MissRubyReviews
35. Behind the Chintz Curtain @ChintzCurtain
36. Superotica @TamsinFlowers
37. The Sub Mission @The_Sub_Mission
38. Rouged Mount N/A
39. You can’t Tame this Sassy Cat @Sassycat38
40. BD Swain @redswain
41. The Submission of Elle @hispetitelle
42. Temperature’s Rising N/A
43. Ninja Sexology @ninjasexology
44. Cara Sutra @thecarasutra
45. Kitty Stryker @kittystryker
46. Deviantt Kitten @devianttkitten
47. Horny Geek Girl @hornygeekgirl
48. Poison Pen Dirty Mind @OleanderPlume
49. Teachers have sex @teachershavesex
50. Penny for your Dirty Thoughts @pennysblog
51. Emmeline Peaches Reviews @EmmelinePeaches
52. Maria Open’s Up @MSM1647
53. A to sub Bee @sub_bee
54. Songs From His Nyghtbird N/A
55. A Roll in the Hay @kinthehay
56. Apricot Creams @apricotcreams
57. A Sexual Being @KaylaLords
58. Reticent Mental Property N/A
59. Janine Ashbless N/A
60. The Erotic Writer N/A
61. Crista Anne @pinkness
62. Ero Centric @EROcentric
63. Break Out N/A
64. Happy Come Lucky @ht_honey
65. Stella Kiink @stellakiink
66. He’s Naked @hesnaked
67. F Dot Leonora @fdotleonora
68. Tabitha Rayne @TabithaErotica
69. This Girl’s Weblog N/A
70. Under His Hand N/A
71. Toy Meets Girl @dizzygirl812
72. Sex is my New Hobby @SexIsMyNewHobby
73. Exhibit A @EA_unadorned
74. Cara Thereon N/A
75. Marvelous Darling @marvydarling
76. The Other Livvy @theotherlivvy
77. Beck and Her Kinks @Beck_Noire
78. Just Indecerous @JustIndecerous
79. Mr Wills House of Thrills @MrWills_HoT
80. A Kilted Wookie Writes @Kilted_Wookie
81. Artemisia FemmeCock @AFemmeCock
82. Illicit thoughts @Kats_my_Name__
83. Kink Praxis @TGStoneButch
84. Bangs and Whimpers @bangsnwhimpers
85. Vagina Antics @vaginaantics
86. Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines @JaimeMortimer
87. The Lustful Literate @lustfulliterate
88. Ella Dawson @brosandprose
89. Sexologist Vixenne @DrVixenne
90. Frisky in the 916 @jackandjillcpl
91. Absolutely Ruby @Absolutely_Ruby
92. Malflic @malflic
93. The Kiss Me Quick’s Erotica Podcast @RoseCaraway
94. Bex talks Sex @bextalkssex
95. Frisky’s Sex Toy Reviews @FriskyGirl_
96. Kinky Biker Mom @KinkyBikerMom
97. Wank of the Day @wankoftheday
98. Charlie in the Pool @charlieinthe
99. My Sex Life with Lola N/A

100. YOU! Rori always left this last spot free for the all the other awesome sex bloggers out there. It is just not possible to include everyone, I relied on the nominations to gather the list and I am sure there are people missing, but this place is for you because every single one of you counts and contributes towards this community.

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015

Bareback

I carry a pile of condoms in my purse. I like to have a variety. “Classic,” large, non-latex, internal. There’s one specially shaped to improve sensation for uncircumcised penises. One in black latex with a raised design that I honestly can barely feel, but the size and shape work for a variety of penises and when you roll it onto a dick it looks like a fuckable work of art, so on balance I’m a fan.

I carry condoms even though in Louisiana doing so can be considered enough evidence of prostitution to arrest. I hand them out by the thousands, literally (I work in sexual health). I’ve even stuck a couple to the fridge in case my roommates find themselves in need of one. I do this because as a prevention tool, condoms are versatile and effective.

I do not use condoms consistently.

Choosing not to use them is a big deal for me. Working in public health drills a very specific message into you, and that message is WEAR A CONDOM! Every act, every time, even for oral sex, unless you’re in a 100% mutually monogamous long term relationship and you’re 300% sure your partner isn’t cheating and even then…maybe wear a condom.

It’s not advice that works for everyone. To be perfectly honest, it’s not advice that works for most people. It doesn’t always work for me.

I’m not monogamous. (I know, you’re shocked. I’ll let that sink in.) Currently, I don’t even have any long-term relationship type partners. I have a couple of friends with benefits who live out of state, and another lover even farther away. Visits with any of them are infrequent.

The lover is a woman I’ve written about before (and whom I haven’t seen in a year, but I’m hoping to soon). We don’t use barriers for fucking with hands, and I can’t remember the last time I used one for oral sex with anyone. When we fucked the same man, we insisted on a new condom every time he switched between us. He didn’t understand why, but he didn’t argue.

One friend with benefits is married/poly. He doesn’t use condoms with his wife, does with everyone else. We still let each other know when we get STI screening (twice a year, for me)–condoms aren’t always effective against all the things.

The other is a boy who hadn’t had sex with anyone before me, and still hasn’t with anyone else. The first time, and the next visit, we used condoms. A lot of them–it’s not often I find someone willing to try to keep up with me when I’m in the mood for an all-weekend sex marathon. (Aside: this poor man, when he starts seeing someone not me…)

Before the following visit I asked if he wanted me to stock up on condoms. Neither of us was having condomless sex with anyone else. I hadn’t been with anyone else, period, since months before my last STI panel. I use a copper IUD for birth control, and while any birth control method can fail, the IUD has effectiveness similar to tubal ligation; I don’t really worry. And I like the mess of fluids, maybe partly because they’re taboo. He didn’t have a preference either way, so we decided to go without, at least until/unless one of us wanted to pick them back up again.

It’s not as straightforward, for me, as being fluid bonded with this person/those two, not with anyone else. It’s a topic that has to be revisited, fairly often, and I’ve definitely had partners (including my ex-spouse) bristle at the conversation. It’s not what works for everyone, but it seems to be what works best for me.

Sex at three standard deviations